Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Whats On My Heart

I have been humbled so much in the last year. It truly has been a journey and I feel like I have grown so much. Tonight I need to say some things that have been on my heart. Ever since I became pregnant I feel that I have had to mature very rapidly and was thrust into a world of responsibility of another human being. I took on that challenge the best I could and wanted to do everything right. Breastfeeding on demand, and exclusively for at least 7 months, cosleeping, babywearing, no vaccines, etc. This world is not perfect and I was trying to be perfect. Josiah has drained so much of my life energy over the last 28 months. I would consider him more of a high needs type of child and I wonder if it was because of my child-centered focus that caused him to be like that. I have never been strong enough to set schedules or force a bedtime. I feel I have failed in those areas. While trying to do all the ‘right’ things I forgot how important it is to set boundaries. And then when I finally get the motivation to do it I still failed! It completely breaks my heart that he has no respect for me. I know that parenthood will always be challenging, but goodness gracious I never thought it would be this challenging. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl not able to rise up to the challenge.

Aside from Motherhood, there has been an issue in other areas of my life as well. I have an obsession with health/natural living. I became so passionate about those beliefs that I pushed them on everyone around me. Even someone whom I thought was more like me in that area I pushed away- not intentionally of course because I really wanted to develop a friendship with this person. It hurts to see people running away from me!  But I could not see outside of myself at the time. I have had to grow up tremendously when it comes to friendships because I’m learning that I don’t know what it means to be a good friend to someone who may have some differences. It is heartbreaking to see that I’ve lived here for almost 3 years and have virtually no close friends. Ryan and I have isolated ourselves quite a bit, so that is partly to blame, but I have had opportunities to have good friends that have not developed. My life has revolved around me. And just so I’m not sounding totally pessimistic I will say that I know I do a lot for my family- obviously it takes quite a bit of strength to keep on breastfeeding when you are completely tired and worn out and when you’ve almost had enough pretty much everyday. A lot of people would say that should be enough reason to start weaning, but because of some of his health challenges I feel it would not be a good thing, and I truly believe I am not just doing it out of laziness or selfishness because it takes a lot out of me. But it wouldn’t be any easier trying to get him to eat enough food. I have put him on this path and I feel I must see it through to make sure he is getting enough nutrition since I cannot force him to eat foods he will not even try. Which is why I wanted him to be on the GAPS diet as well. I didn’t want to be that parent that just gives him only the foods he eats, but I’m starting to be in that position where I am giving him more fruit, popcorn, ice cream. I am still dealing with some strong food addictions and now its spilling over on to him. Those things should be treats, but sometimes I treat a large bowl of popcorn as a meal! The last post I did was out of sheer frustration that things were not working out on GAPS and so if I feel good eating fruit and ice cream then why not?

 I am so sick of being stuck in my problems. Health issues are not the end of the world-yes they require attention, but they shouldn’t be the entire focus of our life! And I have made every little health issue to be something I have to fix. But I always fail, there’s always something else to learn about our diet or about nutrition and how to solve a problem. I will always be interested in health and figuring things out, but it has taken over my life. I want to have energy and not get depressed and moody, and be able to eat all kinds of foods, but I have taken it upon myself to do everything possible to figure it out and its destroying my life! Just the stress alone could be causing the health problems! Its good that I have figured out I have food allergies and can’t eat certain things, but it has taken a lot of time and energy to get to this point and I have neglected to be the Mother, the wife, and the friend that I know I can be.

So I guess this post was more of one big confession that I have many shortcomings and feel very humbled by them all and want to be a better person- and NOT just when it comes to food since some of my issues with it could be mental/emotional. Maybe this was a step in the right direction, letting it go and moving on.